absolute reality

And the music keeps on playin’ on and on…
Red Alert, Basement Jaxx, ‘Remedy’
I can�t remember the last time that I�ve felt so absolute. My weekend was like a strange rollercoaster ride, if I were to put it in any way. It�s the feeling of being ripped apart, thrown to the ground, and left to my own devices to put myself back together again.
On Friday, I was home alone to take care of Anna. During that time, I had the best chat session that I�ve had in quite some time with three cool people. I saw some really eye-opening talk about prejudices that we�ve all faced. Everyone had their book of life open, and seeing the same paragraphs struck a chord with me- I felt as if we all knew of these same rides, and that we�d prevail, but with stories rich with candor and pain, but triumphant nonetheless. Continuing on this chord was the need of the expression of sexuality and sensuality out in the open, because it�s real. But even more important than that, there was a statement made by someone (big ups to the party in question) which was candid. It gave me a new insight on expressing myself and the past 12 months that I have gone through. It was through that session that I got a new perspective on life. I felt free and unencumbered, and I was ready to begin a journey of life, a new expression of blogging that I didn�t think I would have experienced. Watch for it, I�m sure it will come soon � but I digress…

On Friday I heard a song consisting of many chords. Saturday was a bit different. Prime had other plans which I either learned about on Saturday morning or that I had been told before the weekend and simply forgot (the latter being more likely) and therefore came as a surprise and led to a Saturday with no absolute plans. Looking for other things to do on led me into that ferocious need to get out of the house. Since driving is not in the cards for me, however, I clawed at the door- looking for something, anything, to get me out of the house. After a talk with j.brotherlove, two realities came to light, that 1) I needed to coordinate with others to get where I wanted to go, and 2) I needed to perhaps consider walking to the bus stop. Selection #1 sounded cool but since I hadn�t made any coordinated effort for the weekend, I wasn�t really in any circumstance to be able to coordinate with others. Selection #2 sounded like it could work – with nicer temperatures, though � not with this not-so-dry heat. These selections which seemed to have possibilities failed to form any reality so Anna and I hung out at the house and spent the day inexorably glued to the bedroom. I spent time at Amazon.com instead of Tower Records, and fantasizing about preparing for Labor Day. Without enough firepower, I chalked up Saturday as a loss and pushed the last faith I had in the weekend to Sunday.
Sunday would be a better day- or so I thought. I, Prime, MM2K, JJFAD, and Popi had brunch at Ray�s on the River. The great brunch led us to meeting up with Wood + one at the theatre to see XXX. XXX was a great movie, and definitely a must-see (short version � the movie was well paced and looked like a great successor to James Bond movies; there will definitely be a sequel. You. Must. Go. See. It.) And then� the unexplainable seemed to happen. As we parted ways, I seemed to feel more disjointed than I ever felt in quite some time. Although we all said goodbye, it felt as if I had not been acknowledged as we left the scene. I felt very alone. After giving myself the benefit of a doubt, I tried reaching out to the ones I had seemingly missed, only to turn up absolutely� empty. Going home didn�t get any better, which placed me in a complete and utter shock and, for lack of better terminology, a black hole.
I didn�t know where I was, only that I felt a deep dark chasm. I was angry, confused, hurt and frozen solid. I felt the worst kind of numbness I’ve been subjected to. It was as if cement blocks were placed on my feet and I was pushed over into the ocean to drown. The last time I experienced this feeling was four years ago. I went on vacation, determined to start anew. I went where I wanted to go, did what I wanted to do, met the one that would be in my life forevermore, and found the job of my dreams, all within a six month period.
So now- with 12 perilous months completed- with life starting over- what do I want to do now?
The answer to the question is the stark reality that I�m facing now. The side effect of this reality is my lack of any emotion, but consumed with a very methodical and meticulously crafted plan for dealing with my issues. I need:
1. to escape from the city and just go- see the sights of someplace I�ve never been to, do things I don�t get to do very often, and think in another frame of mind;
2. to wander from the house and go to other places where and when I want to- attempting to do this requires more planning but it has to be done.
3. more music � I have more than 10 CDs and so far 3 DVDs which need to be purchased and/or absorbed;
4. to read � absorption of music is complemented by absorption of reading;
5. to express myself � being through a lot and talking about it should be energetic and hopeful, and not an exercise in martyrdom;
6. to end this year � to celebrate, to drive, to fly, to work.
I’ve got to begin this new journey, and I have to start now.
Other thoughts during the weekend:
We have had a nice phone line outage leaving us without the use of the phones (not so horrible) and no dialup capabilities (atrocious!) for all day Sunday, and early morning Monday. During the ordeal, we have been living in spurts with an ISDN line. Life is normal now, but I have realized that I�m more than a little accustomed to ADSL.
I also got a good question from MJ when I talked about Anna�s declawing. Sorry, MJ, that should have been dewclawing. It�s the removal of the smallest claw that really serves no purpose. We didn�t declaw her, my bad�.
And speaking of the aforementioned dewclawing, Prime treated Anna to a nice Elizabethan Collar mixed with cardboard from a torn file folder. Depressed dog turns into the flighty, sprightly, crazy dog. I am desperately looking for our video camera.
Guilty pleasure of the week: ‘I Do’, 3LW f/P. Diddy and Loon. You know, every so often I get into these songs that are for the pre-teen and teenage crowd, where I would often shake my head and remember back when where Vanity 6, Prince, and The Time were the norm. This song has me tappin’ beats in the house and feenin’ for the video. I think I need therapy.
Slipping in Buena Vista Social Club, I feel myself returning back to normal.
Oh, and look for more sexuality and sensuality….because it’s real! (right, M?)
Back to it Moving forward, y�all�

7 comments on “absolute reality

  1. WOW!
    (hopefully, I’ll think of something more meaningful to say)

  2. lisa says:

    (seconding j’s) wow. in reading this post, i find echoes of myself…e.g., methodically crafting a plan to deal with emotional issues (that is so me)…feeling disjointed and disconnected, and sad that efforts to address that don’t always help (at least not immediately). and while i’ve had the good fortune not to remain housebound for any length of time, i’ve seen my dad struggle with it after an incurable eye disease that’s left him more than half blind…and how he’s since learned to ask for what he needs and wants (but can no longer do for himself) from the people who care about him and are more than willing to help him.
    at any rate, i’m feelin’ you. and i’m glad that things are looking up…and forward.

  3. Antonio G says:

    I’m with J and Lisa …

  4. nappi says:

    i think this is my first time posting. i enjoyed your entry ( i know that is not incredibly profound – i promise to do more next time)…
    …but, what i REALLY wanted to say is, I WANT YOUR DOG! ;o)

  5. lynne says:

    wow i really love that song. and damn, that must have been a good chat. those are definitely three of the most wonderful people to chat with. they get you thinking everytime. anyway i enjoyed your post today. and thanks for you visit to amazon.com, if you know what i mean.

  6. Prime says:

    * Pats EJ on the head and begins singing that old negro spiritual. . . . * ok, so I can’t think of one to sing, but knowing how much music sooths your soul, I would sing to you I knew what would bring you the most comfort.
    And Nappi, Right his moment, you can have the dog. She’s sleepy and like any child, is acting up before going to sleep. LOL

  7. wood says:

    Welcome to the club. I guess everyone is trying to get to the next level. I like the fact that you posted your goals. It shows courage to express them in public. It’s similar to the 90 day plan J and I have mentioned before. Now that it is out in the universise, you are more likely to follow through on your goals. Also the people who care about you are here to encourage you along the way, and for those times when you may need a extra dose of support.

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