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the closet door slam


the closet door slam

I’m not nigga, i’m ne-g-ro / If I become a nigga I’ll let you
know


Beautiful
Me
, Donnie, ‘The
Colored Section’

I finally got to The
Colored Section
and was uplifted by Donnie, a good buddy
and a great singer. I felt nicely uplifted. I planned on making it to Alabama
tomorrow morning, going to my cousin’s wedding, hanging out with AyeOh, attending
a party, and then leaving and sitting at home watching RayRae’s party unfold
and develop into something wonderful….as usual. An unexplained thing happened
though.

I talked myself out of visiting AyeOh. My reasoning? I wouldn’t get back to
Atlanta in time to make sure that RaeRae’s party would take shape. Underlying
fear?

Not willing to walk back out of closet to a man I knew since I was 14 with fear of the slamming of a door.

I had the brains. He had brains and brawn. I had dreams that stayed that: dreams.
He helped me to realize that I wasn’t the only one that had dreams of being
unencumbered, unafraid. He taught me that it was actually okay to
love others, that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts.

At least that how it seemed to be at first. When I went back home, and went
to go see my friend and confidant, I brought him up to speed about what was
going on with me, how I was comfortable about being in, and living, The Life.
Instead of an embrace, I was met with a slam in my face that what I was doing
was bad. Terrible. Reprehensible.

"I don’t condone what you’re doing, but if that’s what you want to do, it’s
your life."

Now, this was one of my best friends….and now, I’m shunned. It’s nine years
since that debacle and I haven’t seen him since then. Haven’t caught him up
to speed with what’s been happening the last five years. I somehow didn’t overcome
that fear and pushed my schedule around, said I was too busy, when I knew I
could have worked my schedule around and see him.

Gotta go fix my bloody nose and get ready for the party…

2 Responses “the closet door slam”

  1. 14 April 2003 at 13:10

    Sorry to read this. Sometimes friends don’t arrive at the same destination no matter how much we wish they would.

  2. 14 April 2003 at 22:07

    I think the more conscious you become about who you are, the more you use that knowledge to choose scenarios and people who nurture who you KNOW you are.
    That’s cool … and that’s life. That just makes room for people who love you more and for people YOU can love more.

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I'm just the kid trippin' over the sea of CDs....