Move closer….step in my life…
‘Step Into My Life’, Incognito, ‘Positivity’
Thanks to d’agarrat
himself, I was alerted that there was a way that I could do a blog contribution
to World Aids Day, like he did. My personal challenge was figuring out how I wanted to be
a contributor. This is quite possibly the most challenging blog I’ve written
in quite some time – not because of content, but because of having to sort through
the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve done, and the things that I have experienced.
Sorting through all of this, of course, was like trying to sort through grains
of sand in the Sahara Desert. Once you add the fact that this is an emotional
period for me around holidays, you can understand while this was something that
I had to drive around and think about. While things have gotten easier and progressed
considerably since my first experience with AIDS, hope still plays a major force
in my life.
And so, in thinking about this issue of hope, I decided to reminisce about how
friends can still be found where and when you least expect them. There are quite
a few that I’ve met here in this very limited space of time, and I will make
sure that they get their just due. In this particular case, I want to talk about
my blog sister, Monique, or as I and others affectionately call her, Mo.
During the period of life where I started blogging, which was back in the June
timeframe, I was getting over a couple of illnesses. Besides AIDS, which presented
itself to me in September of last year, I was having to deal with disability
issues during that time. Medicine which healed in some cases also hindered me
with kidney issues around September 11th. During that same time also, I was
placed into disability, which would have normally been okay, except I was a
chronic workaholic forced to stay in the bed and do absolutely nothing. Having
been a chair, co-chair, member, contributor, participator, traveler and speaker
at events and organizations too numerous to mention, I was now having to deal
with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to do anything – anywhere – for
a while. In March, I also succumbed to a partial complex brain seizure, which
made life even more debilitating.
Living with both my lover and my best friend, having a mother and a sister only
15 minutes away, and having to explain to managers and executives at my company
why I had to take more time off made life more complicated. Since journaling
was something totally new for me, I started working on a website of my own.
I was then introduced to blogging during the May-June timeframe. I was resistant
but finally started to blog my way around. I then met quite a few people, and
started to speak. I was still sensitive about what the things I should say and
During one of those times I got an unexpected instant message from one of those
people and started to speak about what was going on. During one of our conversations,
I was a bit wary about telling her why blogging was more challenging for me
than entertaining. I confessed to her about what had been going on in my life.
She sat in keyboard silence while I told her that I was an HIV patient who had also been
diagnosed with AIDS. You definitely have to understand that I didn’t know what
to expect. I was speaking to someone I had never met, didn’t know if she lived
down the street from me or across the ocean, and here I am giving my info to
this woman. I figured it would be a break-it or make-it period
in this blog organization which seemed to be pretty outgoing and understanding.
I not only got understanding but a lot of push. When I say push, I don’t mean
prodding pushing…I mean the good push. I’m talking about sensuous. She made
me think about blogging about the little things I liked – how satisfying sensuality
has less to do with climaxing and more to do with the setup, foreplay, and visualization.
She encouraged me to write about what I considered sex to be – not what others
placed upon me. She also pushed me into talking about the situation I was in
and writing about it more. She made me realize that a story could always be
told- not to please others, but to please myself. Because of her, I was involved
with some great conversations with even greater people that I had not talked
to during my blogging periods. What started out as blogging turned into learning
about people who were so out there, so out of this world that I felt better
about walking forward and speak of the joys and pains of my life.
One of the largest things that she’s made me feel more comfortable about is
blogging about my personal experiences with HIV and AIDS. Admittedly, I still
haven’t blogged extensively about what’s been encouraged and thought about,
but each time I talk to her I feel like if I just took the time and talked about
what I knew- what I’ve felt- that I’d feel good, and that I’d make someone else
feel good as well.
I’ll be blogging periodically about HIV and AIDS- in past, present, and future
constructs. I’ll speak of others who’ve I’ve encountered who have made a difference
in my life. I encourage others to do the same. If you don’t talk to me, then
reach out to someone else for understanding and getting more information about
the illness. Negativity can turn to positivity in the blink of an eye. Or in
this case, by just a press of a key.